


Learning To Let Go

by AnnaRaven, FallingOverSideways



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Divorce, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends to Lovers, M/M, mention of infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-14 01:09:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11772318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaRaven/pseuds/AnnaRaven, https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallingOverSideways/pseuds/FallingOverSideways
Summary: Kaidan Alenko is fully prepared to be terrible at snowboarding; he isn’t prepared to fall hard for his instructor. Shepard is irreverent and funny, handsome and charming, and Kaidan has a chemistry with him that he’s never felt before. As the days go by their friendship begins to deepen and Kaidan knows he’s met someone special.The trouble is, Kaidan is on vacation with his wife Rahna in a final attempt to revive their failing marriage. Committed to his marriage, Kaidan pushes aside his feelings for Shepard, goes back to his regular life and does his best to forget him. But when Rahna makes a shocking confession and Kaidan’s whole world beings to crumble, there’s only one person he wants to run to.





	1. Chapter 1

Kaidan walked out onto the balcony of his hotel room and took a deep lungful of the crisp, cold air. The Hotel Victoria was a luxurious, sprawling stone building perched on a mountainside overlooking Lake Myrtle, a quaint little town alongside one of Canada’s most popular ski resorts. The lake itself was a disc of deep blue-green, reflecting the clouds and the mountains all around it. The scent of snow and pine touched his nose and the beauty of his surroundings gave Kaidan an almost primal thrill. He used to come to this town with his family often as a kid and he remembered gazing up at the castle-like Victoria from the window of their budget hotel , dreaming of staying there one day. Twenty years later he’d finally made it, but the satisfaction was tainted by the circumstances that brought him here.

He turned and watched Rahna putting the last of her clothes into the wardrobe, the gold band of her wedding ring catching the light. She was as elegant as always even unpacking a suitcase, her movements precise but graceful. She tucked a strand of her dark wavy hair behind her ear and the simple, familiar gesture made his heart ache. He’d once loved Rahna more than anything and he believed that she’d loved him too, but something somewhere had gone wrong and he didn’t know how to fix it. The weight of the past three persistently-childless years sat especially heavily on both of them, stifling the joy that they’d once shared. Eight years of marriage and she felt more like a stranger to him than she ever had.

Rahna looked up and saw him watching her. She smiled, and nodded for him to come in. Then she put her arms around his neck and held him close, and the scent and softness of her curls against his face eased the ache in his chest. “Thank you for bringing me here,” she murmured against his ear, kissing the corner of his jaw.

“You’re welcome,” Kaidan smiled. “It’ll be good for us to have a break, away from all the stress of home.”

“It will,” Rahna said firmly, nodding.

What neither of them said, though both of them knew, was that this was really a last-ditch attempt to refresh their marriage, to haul themselves out of the rut they’d settled into without even noticing it happen. One vacation couldn’t fix everything, but Kaidan was hopeful it would at least give them a place to start.

* * *

It was a beautiful day, the sun shining down from the brilliant blue sky and reflecting in glittering pinpoints on the crisp white snow. Kaidan loved the snow, always had, and was a little surprised to realise how much he’d missed being out on the slopes. If only he’d been on skis and not holding a snowboard, it would have been perfect.

Kaidan swallowed down his nerves, watching a group of instructors walking towards them. “I can’t believe I let you talk me into this,” he said to Rahna, trying to sound casual but not sure if he’d pulled it off.

“Relax, Kaidan, it’ll be fun,” Rahna said. “I know you like to stick to what you know, but it’s good to challenge yourself sometimes.”

“I just hope I don’t hurt myself,” Kaidan said. “Do you know how common wrist injuries are among novice snowboarders? I can’t go back to work with a broken wrist.”

“Will you stop thinking like a doctor for five minutes and relax?” Rahna said, exasperation creeping into her tone. “You have to learn to let go now and again – God, you can be such an old man sometimes.”

A blend of anger and irritation swept over him, but one of the instructors was approaching them so he bit back his retort and fixed on a smile.

“Hey guys,” said the instructor with a wide, genuine smile; he was tall and broad-shouldered, and though most of his face was obscured by his helmet and shades, Kaidan immediately noticed the square jaw and sculpted cheekbones. “You’re Kaidan and Rahna?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said, accepting the offered handshake, “that’s us.”

“My name’s John, I’m going to be taking you out for the next ten days,” the guy said, shaking Rahna’s hand next. “Have you ever boarded before?”

“No,” Rahna said. “It was my idea to have lessons - Kaidan’s a pretty great skier and I’m mostly awful, so I wanted us to start out as beginners together.”

“Cool - that’s actually pretty romantic,” John grinned. “Okay, well, I’ll take you through the basics today and we’ll work our way up towards getting you out on some of the black runs by the end of your vacation. If you feel like I’m rushing you at any point or you want to go over anything a few more times during a lesson, just shout.”

“Great, can’t wait,” Rahna said, almost bouncing with excitement. Her enthusiasm was catching and Kaidan felt his spirits lift. John seemed friendly, the scenery was beautiful and Rahna was more relaxed than she’d been in months. Perhaps this wouldn’t be as bad as he’d feared.

* * *

“That was fucking awful,” Kaidan said with a groan, massaging his aching back as he and Rahna trudged back to their hotel through the snow. “It felt like I fell about a thousand times.”

“You weren’t _that_ bad,” Rahna said, all bright eyes and enthusiasm. “God, I _loved_ it! It was so much easier than skiing.”

“You’re kidding, right?” Kaidan asked. “Having both feet pinned, no limb independence, plus the only way to stop is to basically throw myself onto the ground?”

“You big grouch,” Rahna said lightly, leaning in for a quick, sweet kiss. It made him feel good to see her carefree smile, and he couldn’t help but answer it.

But the next day wasn’t much better, or the one after that; Rahna really seemed to have an instinct for boarding that Kaidan was totally lacking. He wasn’t one to give up on any challenge, but the idea of spending the rest of his vacation falling over constantly, frustrated and pretending to enjoy himself, wasn’t at all appealing. John was kind and patient, liberally throwing out encouragement and dismissing all of Kaidan’s apologies, but somehow that made Kaidan feel worse. He kept wanting to say _I’m a really good skier - I swear I’m not always this graceless, klutzy oaf_ ; he wanted John to be impressed by him, he realised, and that only made him even more self-conscious.

At the end of the third day, while they were putting their boots away in the hotel ski lockers, Rahna gently asked, “Kaidan, do you want to stop with the boarding lessons?”

Kaidan felt a burst of relief but said, “What? No, it’s fine…I’ll get the hang of it.”

“You sure? Only you seem like you’re really hating it,” Rahna said, her tone a little exasperated but not accusatory.

“I’m not _hating_ it,” he said. “I mean…it’s tougher than I expected, sure, but I’m glad we’re doing something together. That was the whole point, right?”

Rahna smiled and stepped closer, looping her arms loosely around his waist. “The point was to have fun together, relax for a change. I can tell you’re not having fun, so neither am I. And don’t you dare apologise,” she said, as he opened his mouth to do just that. “It’s not an accusation; I’m not mad about it. But I don’t want you wasting your vacation, either.”

Kaidan smiled, kissing her forehead. “So…what are you suggesting?”

“Well…I’d like to carry on with the lessons, if that’s okay - I’m really loving it,” Rahna grinned. “So maybe you could ski by yourself in the mornings while I’m out with John, then we can meet up for lunch and go out again together in the afternoons? As long as you don’t mind sticking to the easier runs, that is.”

“Of course I don’t mind,” Kaidan said, hugging her close. “That sounds pretty great, actually; I’ll call in to the ski school this afternoon and let them know. If you’re really sure?”

“I’m really sure,” Rahna nodded.

“I love you,” Kaidan said, leaning down to kiss her.

Rahna smiled and hummed into the kiss, and when she turned away to store her board Kaidan pretended not to notice that she didn’t say it back.


	2. Chapter 2

The ski school was quiet, only a few people browsing the shop at one end of the reception area. The guy behind the counter looked up and smiled as Kaidan approached; he was tall and lean with white-blond hair and piercing blue eyes, a jagged scar arcing down his left cheek to his jaw. The name tag on his shirt read ‘Garrus Vakarian, Manager’.

“Hi there, how can I help?” Garrus asked, his voice smooth with a gentle European accent. 

“I’d like to cancel my snowboarding lessons, please,” Kaidan said, handing over his booking information.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” Garrus frowned. “Is there a problem with your instructor?”

“Not at all, John’s been great – it’s more that there’s a problem with me,” Kaidan grinned. “I’m just not picking it up easily and I don’t get many snow vacations, so I’d rather stick to skiing. My wife wants to continue with her lessons, though.”

“Ah, you’re the couple booked with Shepard,” Garrus nodded. He tilted his head and said, “You know, Shepard is usually a ski instructor, leads our specialist off-piste sessions. If you’d like to try that instead, and he’s willing to do it of course, I’d happily switch you across. The off-piste sessions are more expensive but I can waive the extra cost this once.”

“Oh…um, I have always wanted to try that,” Kaidan said hesitantly, “but what about my wife?” 

“I have another snowboard instructor who’s currently free in the mornings,” Garrus said. “His name is Jacob and I can assure you that he’s an excellent teacher, always very popular with our clients.”

“Well…I’ll have to check with Rahna, but…yeah, that sounds great,” Kaidan said with a smile.

“Excellent, let me just go check on something,” Garrus said, heading for the stockroom at the back of the store. 

Kaidan glanced around while he waited, looking over the racks of skis and boards and helmets and snow jackets, until Garrus came back with a tall, lean man just behind him. The man was wearing a tight black T-shirt and loose grey pants which sat just on his hipbones; there were black smudges on his hands and he was wiping his fingers on a rag. 

Kaidan’s eyes trailed up the man’s body to his face, taking in the bright blue eyes and killer cheekbones a second before recognition kicked in. “Oh, John – it’s you.”

“It’s me,” Shepard agreed. He smiled, and something slippery and spiky ran through Kaidan and settled low in his gut.

“I just didn’t recognise you at first,” Kaidan said, heat rising under his collar. “I mean, you’re usually - ” he gestured towards his face, “with the helmet and goggles, and, ah…y’know.”

“Yeah, I get it,” Shepard said casually as Kaidan mentally slapped himself. “Garrus said you’re thinking about trying some off-piste lessons?”

“Yeah…I mean, if that’s okay,” Kaidan said, trying not to show how flustered he felt. “I don’t want to cause any inconvenience for anyone.”

Shepard’s smile widened, something warm coming into his eyes. “No inconvenience at all.”

“Great,” Garrus said, nodding at Shepard, “then it’s decided. Come on, Mr Alenko, let’s see about getting you fitted for some boots and powder skis.”

Kaidan followed Garrus, trying not to watch Shepard walk away. He managed it briefly, but couldn’t help glancing across just once.

When he did, Shepard was watching him too.

*

Kaidan laughed out loud with exhilaration, bursting out from the treeline a ski’s length behind Shepard. A fine spray of snow pattered across his face, fresh and cool on his skin, scattering water droplets over his sunglasses. The bright sun and cold air and thundering of his heartbeat were making him feel free and light and happy for the first time in a long time. 

They’d spent the last two hours exploring the mountains, going to places that most tourists would never see. They’d navigated a steep, almost impassable clifftop; coasted over deep powder in a quiet bowl between two peaks; and spent some time chasing in and out of the forests lining the regular pistes. It was everything Kaidan loved about skiing – the freedom, the elation, the feeling that anything was possible.

Shepard glanced over his shoulder and laughed along with Kaidan, slicing neatly to a stop. Kaidan felt a little thrill of pride when he managed to stop just as smoothly alongside Shepard; it felt good to show the man that he had some skills, after all. 

“Great job, man, you kept up with me at every turn,” Shepard grinned. 

“I told you I was a better skier than boarder,” Kaidan said with a flutter of pride.

“Yeah…not that that’s setting the bar very high,” Shepard said; he winked to take the sting from his words, and Kaidan’s laugh was breathless for more than one reason. “We’ll just take a minute here before we carry on.” 

They stood side by side, catching their breath and looking down on the town and the glistening lake beyond it.

“It really is beautiful up here,” Kaidan said admiringly.

“Yeah, I’m pretty damn lucky getting to ski here every day,” Shepard said.

“Do you live in the town?” Kaidan asked, curious.

“Uh-huh, the ski school owns a place where instructors can live for a reduced rent. No way I could afford it otherwise.” Shepard lifted one of his ski poles and pointed down the mountainside. “See that cluster of buildings behind the park there, in the centre of town? It’s in there somewhere.”

“How long have you been an instructor?” Kaidan asked. 

“This is only my second season.”

“What were you doing before?” Kaidan asked, then added, “I mean, um, if you don’t mind me asking.”

“I was in the military,” Shepard said simply. “How about you, Kaidan – what do you do in real life?”

“I’m a doctor,” Kaidan said. “Paediatrician, actually.”

Shepard’s eyebrows lifted. “Oh yeah? That’s a very noble choice of profession.”

“Not really,” Kaidan said, a touch embarrassed. “I’ve always been fascinated by how the human body works, and I love kids, so…it seemed like an obvious choice.”

Shepard was smiling. “Do you and Rahna have kids?”

An icy stone settled in Kaidan’s stomach. “No,” he said, looking away down the mountain. “We don’t.”

“Sorry,” Shepard said, frowning. “That was…I shouldn’t have asked.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry,” Kaidan said.

There was a moment of silence before Shepard asked, “So, you got anything left in the tank?” One corner of his mouth lifted in a smirk. “Or have I worn you out?”

“I can take more, just try me,” Kaidan said, and somewhere between the words forming in his brain and reaching Shepard’s ears they took on a different meaning, one that made Kaidan’s heart stutter and Shepard’s grin deepen.

“I love a challenge, Kaidan.”


	3. Chapter 3

For the next five days Kaidan woke with a smile on his face, buzzing with excitement about his lessons with Shepard. They went all over the mountain together; Shepard pushed Kaidan to improve but never took it too far, judging when he was at his limit. He took Kaidan down slopes and over jumps that Kaidan would never have thought he could handle; he encouraged, nudged, challenged and affirmed him until Kaidan began to feel like there was nothing he couldn’t achieve. And they laughed, so much; Shepard had a wicked, teasing sense of humour and seemed genuinely interested in whatever Kaidan had to say. Kaidan felt like he’d found a great friend; and if he was beginning to suspect he felt something more than that, he knew it couldn’t go anywhere and so he ignored it.

But the fun he was having with Shepard served to highlight how strained and brittle things were becoming with Rahna. When he told her about switching lessons, she was angry with him for changing her instructor without asking her; when he assured her that it wasn’t definite and he could change back she was snappy, told him it didn’t matter, that he should just keep doing whatever made _him_ happy. Eventually she’d calmed down and apologised, but her words and attitude had cut him deeper than she seemed to have realised. Fortunately she came back from her first lesson glowing and full of praise for Jacob, which set Kaidan’s mind at ease.

It seemed like no time before he was standing outside the ski school waiting for Shepard for the last time. He kept an eye on the doors and when Shepard’s tall, broad figure emerged, Kaidan felt an odd tugging sensation low down in his gut.

“Morning,” Shepard called as he trudged over the snow towards him. “All set for your last day on the mountain?”

“Don’t remind me,” Kaidan said, shaking his head. “I don’t want to think about going home; I could stay here forever.”

“Yeah, that would be amazing,” Shepard agreed, then abruptly cleared his throat. “I meant, uh, for you. That would be amazing for you.”

Kaidan grinned; it was the first time he’d seen the other man anywhere near flustered and it felt good, even if he chose not to think about exactly what Shepard might have meant.

“Come on then, those double black diamonds await,” Shepard grinned, tapping Kaidan’s leg with his ski pole before turning to skate towards the chair lift.

The lift whisked them off their feet and began carrying them up the mountainside. Kaidan breathed deeply and took in the view, watching some of the people coming down the slopes below them. He realised he was subconsciously looking out for Rahna, and turned to Shepard. “Hey, um…how well do you know Jacob?”

“Rahna’s teacher?” Shepard asked, glancing over. “Not all that well, actually - he’s been an instructor here for a few years but he wasn’t around last season. He seems like a good guy, though. Why?”

“I just was wondering,” Kaidan shrugged. “Rahna hasn’t told me much about her lessons, so…I wanted to know what you think of him.”

“Oh. Right,” Shepard said; Kaidan ignored the faint hint of pity in his voice. “Well, he gets excellent feedback from all his classes, so I’m sure he’s teaching her well.”

“Alright. That’s good,” Kaidan said. It was reassuring to know that Shepard liked the guy; his opinion meant a lot to Kaidan, maybe more than it should.

A thrilling, exhausting hour later, at the top of a steep, unmarked slope covered with moguls and ice patches, Shepard signalled for Kaidan to stop beside the treeline.  “Time for a break,” Shepard announced.

Kaidan followed Shepard’s lead, taking off his skis and propping them in a snowdrift with his poles. They sat together on a snow-crusted log in the shelter of the pine trees where everything was still and quiet; nothing before them but mountains and trees and snow, nothing above them but the sky.

When Shepard took off his helmet and shades, Kaidan did the same. The cool breeze through his sweaty hair felt amazing, and Kaidan took off one glove to scrub his fingers through the tousled locks.

“Beautiful view,” he murmured, drinking in the tranquillity.

“Sure is,” Shepard agreed. He looked over at Kaidan, and Kaidan looked back; it caught and held, stretching, growing heavy.

Kaidan swallowed but couldn’t look away. Then Shepard’s eyes flickered to Kaidan’s mouth for the briefest second before that easy smile slid into place and he switched his focus to taking off his gloves and searching his pockets for something.

“You know, it’s customary for instructors to take their groups to one of the bars or restaurants on the mountain and buy everyone a round of drinks on their last day.”

“Oh really?” Kaidan said, watching Shepard fumbling around.

“Yep,” Shepard said, pulling a hip flask from his pocket with a triumphant grin, “but I like to buck convention whenever I can. Want some?”

Kaidan laughed and took the flask warily. “What is it?” he asked, unscrewing it and taking a sniff.

“Honey bourbon,” Shepard said. “It’ll warm you up, I promise.”

“I believe you,” Kaidan said, “I just don’t want to have a spectacular fall later and break all my limbs.”

“I’ll look after you, don’ t worry,” Shepard said, nudging Kaidan’s arm with his elbow. “Just a nip, I’m not planning to get you smashed.”

Kaidan _almost_ said _‘that’s a pity’_ but bit it off just in time. Instead he took an experimental sip, enjoying the smooth warmth that filled his mouth and throat. “Mm, that’s good,” he said, handing the flask back to Shepard.

He watched out of the corner of his eye as Shepard took a drink, watched his throat flex and his tongue dart out to taste his lips. Kaidan’s heart thudded; Shepard seemed so perfect in that moment, so handsome and carefree and relaxed, and Kaidan felt a surge of lust and guilt.

“Had a good vacation?” Shepard asked, oblivious to Kaidan’s scrutiny.

“Yeah, I have,” Kaidan nodded. “It seems to have gone by so fast, though.”

“Always does when you’re having fun,” Shepard said. “And speaking of having fun, there’s going to be a party tonight for all the instructors and their students. We’re meeting at the Raven and Stump pub in town, eight o’clock, then heading back to the house. It’d be great if you could come. I mean, both of you…but I guess Jacob will invite Rahna.”

“That sounds great, thanks,” Kaidan grinned. “I’ve been wanting to go into that pub all week.”

“Why didn’t you?” Shepard asked, handing the flask over again.

Kaidan took a sip, giving himself time to think about how to phrase it. “Rahna’s not really a pub kind of person,” he said eventually. “She likes places that are a little more… _refined_ , I think is the word she’d use.”

“Oh,” Shepard said with a little frown. “It’s not just _her_ vacation though, right?”

“Sometimes it’s easier not to make waves,” Kaidan shrugged. “She’s been having fun with Jacob and it’s great to see her happy again.”

“Right,” Shepard said, nodding. “Well, if you’ve both enjoyed your lessons it’d be great if you could fill in one of the survey forms to let Garrus know. All helps when appraisal season comes around, and it seems like people are quicker to complain about their instructors than praise them.”

“I can’t imagine anyone having any reason to complain about _you_ ,” Kaidan said, taking another drink and then coughing as he realised what he’d said. “I mean,” he spluttered, “um, I just meant that you’re a good teacher, I wasn’t trying to - ” He had to stop as his lungs betrayed him and he was caught in another round of coughing until he finally got it under control.

Shepard was laughing and clapped him on the back, leaving his hand resting on Kaidan’s shoulder while he pulled himself together. “I got what you meant, don’t worry,” he said. “Nice though it would be to imagine you were hitting on me, I know you’re a married man.”

Kaidan looked over sharply; Shepard was watching him steadily, a half-smile on his face. “Oh. Um…that’s…I mean, uh, thanks,” Kaidan babbled. “I think.”

Shepard shook his head, still smiling, and took back the flask. “C’mon, let’s not waste your last lesson sitting around up here,” he said, standing and reaching out to pull Kaidan to his feet.

He was being so casual about it all that Kaidan wondered if maybe he hadn’t meant to be so flirty. But then, he got the feeling that Shepard didn’t say things he didn’t mean; and the implications of _that_ made his head spin.

*

That evening while they were getting ready for the party, Kaidan said to Rahna, “Shepard asked us to fill in some feedback about our instructors, let their boss know they did a good job. We should stop in and do that tomorrow before we leave.”

“Yeah, fine,” Rahna said absently, settling a delicate silver chain around her neck, eyes fixed on her reflection in the mirror.

“You still haven’t really told me much about your lessons,” Kaidan said tentatively. “Did you get along okay with Jacob?”

“Yes,” Rahna said, and ducked into the bathroom. “It was fine. You know, he’s a good teacher.”

“I’m glad,” Kaidan said, frowning at her evasiveness. “It’s just that I know switching teachers wasn’t your idea and I’ve been feeling a little guilty that I - ”

“I said it was fine, Kaidan,” Rahna interrupted, breezing out of the bathroom, fastening an earring; not looking at him at all. “Jacob was great, so please just drop it.”

“I was only trying to - ”

“Only trying to make everything about you, like you always do,” Rahna interrupted acidly, bending to slip on her shoes.

“That’s not what I’m doing,” Kaidan protested, feeling the sting in his chest. “I don’t mean to…I just want to know that you enjoyed your vacation.”

Rahna glanced over at him briefly before she turned away, taking her jacket from the wardrobe. “Let’s just get to this party before I change my mind.”

They walked down the mountain path to the pub in a prickly sort of silence. Kaidan tried to concentrate on the beautiful view of the mountains, the diamond stars glinting in the darkness overhead, the bracing cold in his nostrils and lungs. But his stomach felt heavy, and his heart ached. Rahna was slipping away from him, he knew, and he had no idea how to hold on.

The Raven and Stump was everything he’d hoped it would be, decorated with warm colours and simple furniture, with polished wood and cosy fabrics everywhere. There were plenty of people there enjoying a drink at the end of the day and the atmosphere was convivial, buzzing with chatter and laughter. It reminded him of his favourite haunts in London while he was living there as a postgrad student, and he began to feel hopeful that the friendly atmosphere might help to thaw whatever was happening with him and Rahna.

“This is nice,” Kaidan said, leaning his elbows on the bar.

“Hmm,” replied Rahna. “I guess if you like hokey and homespun.” “It’s relaxed,” Kaidan insisted, catching the bartender’s eye. “Comfortable.”

Rahna looked around while Kaidan ordered and paid for their drinks, just a trace of disapproval on her face even though he could tell she was trying not to do it. It was one of the things that had come up more than once during their marriage counselling sessions; Rahna was very particular, she liked things to be a certain way, and it was a frequent cause of friction between them. Once, early in their relationship, he’d jokingly called her anally retentive and she hadn’t spoken to him for the rest of the evening.

Rahna sipped at her drink just as her gaze caught on something beyond Kaidan’s shoulder. “That looks like them over there.”

Kaidan turned and saw a group of people sitting at a large, round table in the corner, laughing and joking around. “Oh yeah, look – that’s James,” he said, recognising the guy from the ski fitting centre.

“They seem a little rowdy,” Rahna said, just a touch of judgement in her tone. “I hope this isn’t going to be some crazy frat party kind of thing.”

“They’re just having fun, Rahna,” Kaidan said, suppressing the flare of irritation. “They work hard, they’re entitled to blow off some steam.”

“Kaidan, _you_ work hard; _I_ work hard. They get paid to ski,” Rahna replied, picking up a bar menu and beginning to read it.

“You don’t have to be so condescending,” Kaidan said, not really sure why her words and tone had needled him as much as they had.

Rahna glanced up at him, her eyes sharp and a flush across her cheeks. “And you don’t have to always pick apart every little thing I say,” she hissed back at him. “Can’t we just have _one_ night without it, Kaidan?”

“Hey, you two,” said a friendly voice behind them. “Glad you could make it!”

Kaidan looked over and saw Jacob approaching them; he looked great, handsome and stylish in a fitted V-necked sweater and skin-tight jeans. Kaidan glanced down at his own red-and-black checked flannel shirt, wishing for the hundredth time that he had even an ounce of ‘cool’ in him somewhere. But then Shepard stepped out from behind Jacob and Kaidan saw that he was wearing scuffed jeans and a plain black hoodie, and suddenly he felt a little better.

“Hey there,” Rahna greeted Jacob with a wide smile. “It’s good to see you; you look great out of your ski gear.”

“You too, lady,” Jacob replied with that slick grin that was never far away.

Kaidan frowned; he opened his mouth to speak but didn’t know what to say without sounding like a possessive asshole.

“You gonna come join us?” Jacob asked, utterly oblivious, hitching a thumb towards the table where James and the others were sitting.

“Actually, I have a headache coming on,” Rahna said with a meaningful glance at Kaidan. “I was thinking about heading back to the hotel for an early night.”

“Is it really all that bad?” Kaidan asked with just an edge of frustration; he knew he probably sounded like an unsympathetic dick to the other men, but Rahna had a habit of suddenly developing headaches when it suited her and his patience with her was getting pretty thin tonight.

“Yes,” Rahna said, and he recognised the signs of her stubbornly digging her heels in. “I think I’d like to go, Kaidan.”

“But we just got here,” Kaidan said, trying to keep his voice down but knowing that Shepard and Jacob could hear. “Can’t you just manage _one_ drink?”

“Hey, look, I can walk you back,” Jacob said to Rahna, glancing between the married couple. “If that’s cool, I mean?”

"Great, thanks,” said Rahna, already moving past Kaidan. “I’d hate to spoil my husband’s party.”

When they’d gone, an awkward silence fell. “Sorry about that,” Kaidan murmured, afraid to look at Shepard, afraid of seeing scorn on his face.

“Please, man, don’t worry about it,” Shepard said, and the softness in his voice made Kaidan look up. There was no judgement on his face, no embarrassment - just a calm, sympathetic smile. “You should stay for a couple of beers, though. I mean, if you want.”

Kaidan glanced at the door, feeling a niggling sense that he should go after his wife. But then he looked back at Shepard’s eyes, his smile, and found himself saying, “Yeah. That would be great.”

*

Kaidan was halfway down his third beer, riding on a warm, relaxed buzz that had erased the bad feeling from earlier. The group had welcomed him straight away and he was really enjoying their company.

He was sitting between Shepard and a pretty, outgoing woman named Ash who’d pulled him straight into conversation about his job, telling him about her sister who was a medical student and then relating to him all the worst ski injuries she’d ever had. She was funny and interesting and great to talk to, but Kaidan couldn’t help feeling disappointed that he hadn’t gotten to speak to Shepard very much yet.

The door to the bar opened and James glanced over. Then his face split in a wide smile and he called, “Hey, Scars, you made it!”

Kaidan looked up to see Garrus approaching the table, where he accepted James’s one-armed hug with a grin. He nodded amiably to Kaidan and squeezed onto the bench seat to the other side of Shepard, pushing him closer to Kaidan so that their thighs were pressed together from knee to hip.

Shepard shook Garrus’s hand, grinning. “ _Du er like stygg som alltid_ ,” he said in a lilting, lyrical accent.

Garrus laughed, and Kaidan’s eyes went wide. “ _Jeg trenger å holde tritt med deg_ ,” Garrus replied, and Shepard chuckled.

“When you’re done talking gibberish, _pendejo_ , lemme buy you a beer,” James said, completely unironically, before walking off to the bar with Ash.

“What did you say to Garrus?” Kaidan asked Shepard.

“I told him he looks ugly like always,” Shepard said, smiling, “and he said he’s just trying to keep up with me.”

Kaidan laughed as Shepard took a drink. “What language was that?”

“Norwegian,” Shepard replied casually, licking beer foam from his top lip. “That’s where Garrus is from. And my mom is from Oslo, she used to speak Norwegian all the time to us when we were kids and she taught us to speak it pretty well.”

“Impressive,” Kaidan said, a little overwhelmed. “Is there anything you’re bad at?”

“Not so far,” Shepard replied with a wink. The look that passed between them was deep and intense, and they both looked away at the same moment.

Kaidan cleared his throat, scrabbling for that light and easy atmosphere they’d shared earlier. “So, um, did you grow up there? Norway, I mean?”

“No. I was born in the States, but my parents actually met in Germany. Mom was working as a teacher in Darmstadt and my dad was stationed there for a while. Army,” he clarified, answering Kaidan’s next question before he’d had a chance to ask it.

“Right,” Kaidan said. “I guess you must have moved around a lot when you were a kid, if your dad was in the military.”

“Yeah, every couple of years up until I was thirteen and we settled in California,” Shepard said.

“That must have been hard,” Kaidan said, “having to keep starting over, make new friends.”

“Sometimes it was,” Shepard admitted, tracing a bead of condensation down his pint glass with the tip of a finger. “But it was kinda cool too – being able to keep reinventing myself, I mean. And I’ve always liked meeting new people, so that was never a big problem.”

Kaidan nodded, taking another mouthful of beer. He could imagine it being easy for Shepard to fit in anywhere he went; the guy was so likeable, so naturally charismatic, that he probably had people falling over each other to get to know him.

 _Like you are, you mean?_ said a wry voice in the back of his mind, but Kaidan drowned it in ale.

“How about you – Canadian born and raised?” Shepard asked.

“Yup, I grew up in a suburb of Toronto,” Kaidan said. “My mom still lives in the same house. What gave me away?”

“I could be a clichéd asshole and say your good manners, or the way you say sorry all the time, or the fact that I’ve never seen you without your Maple Leafs scarf,” Shepard grinned, nodding towards the woollen scarf hanging up with Kaidan’s coat. “But I guess there’s just something in your accent.”

“Well, that’s a boring answer,” Kaidan said unthinkingly, and Shepard laughed. The sound was rich and warm, and it curled up inside Kaidan’s chest.

“You are coming back to the house after this, right?” Shepard asked.

“Um…yeah, I’d like to,” Kaidan smiled after a moment’s pause. “I can’t be too late, though.”

“Why not?” Shepard frowned. “You’re leaving tomorrow, right? So why not enjoy tonight?”

“It’s just…I don’t wanna upset Rahna any more, y’know.”

“Ah,” Shepard said, lifting his chin in a gesture of acknowledgement. “Right.” Then he looked up at Kaidan from the corner of his eye and asked, “But you’ll come for a little while?”

“Absolutely,” Kaidan said, telling himself that the hopeful note in Shepard’s voice and the answering burn in his chest were nothing significant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to aydaptic for making sure the Norwegian in this chapter made sense :)


	4. Chapter 4

When the group left the pub and stumbled back to the instructors’ shared house, Kaidan happily let himself get caught up in the tide. There was already a party in full swing when they arrived and it seemed like half the town was there; no sooner were they inside than James dragged Shepard into a poker tournament in the basement.

Kaidan was invited but politely declined; his poker face was terrible at the best of times, let alone when he was on the outside of three beers and a scant few bar snacks. Instead he let Ash latch onto him, leading him around introducing him to people, laughing and chatting and taking the beers that she kept pressing into his hand. But after a while his head began to go fuzzy, his stomach protesting, and he put down the mostly-full bottle that she’d just handed to him. He began moving through the crowds to find the kitchen for a glass of water but the ground seemed to tilt under him suddenly and he stumbled, colliding hard with someone.

“Oh shit, sorry,” he slurred, grateful for the arms holding him up.

“No problem,” said the guy he’d smacked into, and he realised with a jolt that it was Shepard. He’d lost the black hoodie and was wearing a plain white shirt, well-worn with a stretched-out neckline and a hole in the hem; Kaidan realised he was clutching Shepard’s biceps and let go abruptly.

“Oh, Kaidan, it’s you,” Shepard said as recognition dawned. “I was wondering where you were. You look wasted, dude, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just need some water,” Kaidan said. “Maybe a little air…a lie down somewhere…minor brain surgery…”

Shepard looked at him for a moment, a smile playing over his lips, before he said, “Come with me,” and took Kaidan’s hand like it was no big deal. His palm was warm and rough, and Kaidan’s pulse kicked with a jarring, swirling rush.

Shepard led Kaidan through the packed house to the kitchen, grabbing two bottles of water from the counter before continuing through to the enclosed back porch where everyone had dumped their coats. He let go of Kaidan’s hand to sort through the pile, lifting and discarding several coats before settling on two of them.

“Come on, I know a good place to sit and look at the stars,” Shepard said, holding out one of the coats to Kaidan.

“Um, that’s not mine,” Kaidan said warily, taking the diamond-patterned ski jacket from him.

“So?” shrugged Shepard, zipping up his red windbreaker. “This isn’t mine, either.”

Kaidan laughed, putting on his borrowed jacket while Shepard grabbed a couple of knitted hats and yanked one onto his own head then pulled the other over Kaidan’s dark hair. He adjusted it across Kaidan’s brow, that intense blue gaze focussed on the task, and Kaidan tried to ignore how close Shepard’s face was to his own and the way his beer-scented breath brushed over Kaidan’s mouth. After a moment Shepard nodded and said, “There. Perfect,” and stepped back.

Shepard stuck a rolled-up blanket under his arm and they headed out into the night, the cold air punching Kaidan in the chest with his first breath. He followed Shepard down the short back yard to the garden fence, which was made of plain wooden planks and around eight feet tall. Shepard threw the blanket over it, stuffed the bottles of water into his pockets and jumped up, catching the top of the fence with both hands and pulling himself smoothly up and over.

“Ah, Shepard?” Kaidan called uncertainly when he heard a scrabbling, screeching noise behind the fence.

Shepard’s head reappeared over the top of the planks. “Come on,” he said, holding out a hand to Kaidan. “I’ll help you over, I moved a couple of trash cans to climb down onto.”

“I can’t climb a fence,” Kaidan said, the biting cold of the air prickling in his mouth and nose. “I haven’t had military training like you – also, do you know how much I’ve had to drink?”

“You’ll be fine, trust me – it’s worth the climb,” Shepard said. “I’ll make sure you don’t fall.”

He should have said no. There were too many ways this could go wrong, too many scenarios that ended in disaster. But when he looked at Shepard, painted silver by the moonlight, waiting for him with one hand outstretched, he couldn’t say anything but yes. It was a little clumsy and very undignified, but eventually he made it over the fence and down to the ground without injury.

“I don’t see why we couldn’t just go out the front door and around like normal people,” Kaidan said, hunching his shoulders against the cold and jamming his hands into his pockets as they walked.

“Because if we’d gone back through the party someone would’ve grabbed one of us to drag us into some stupid game or dare or drinking contest,” Shepard replied, heading across the street to the park. Then he glanced sideways at Kaidan and said, “And I wanted you to myself for a while.”

Kaidan looked over quickly, just catching the edge of a smile before Shepard jogged ahead to open the park gate for him.

The park was beautiful at night, the ghostly shapes of the snow-dusted trees outlined in moonlight and the grass twinkling with frost. They crunched across to a bench beside a stand of neatly-trimmed conifers near the park railings. Ahead of them were the mountains and behind them the thick foliage of the trees, creating an illusion of privacy and isolation. Together they scraped the snow off the bench and Shepard arranged the blanket over the wooden slats, then they sat side by side looking up at the view. The mountains towered into the inky sky, which was scattered with milky streaks and glimmering stars; the warm, inviting lights of the Hotel Victoria glowed and twinkled up among the trees on the mountainside, and Kaidan felt a pang as he was reminded of Rahna.

“Nice view, right?” Shepard asked.

“It is,” Kaidan nodded.

“Worth the climb?” Shepard asked, handing a bottle of water to Kaidan.

“Surprisingly, yes,” Kaidan grinned, opening the cap and taking a long drink.

They sat in silence for a moment, their mingled breath climbing in smoky clouds towards the dark sky. Shepard stretched out his legs, crossing one ankle over the other, and eventually said, “You have enjoyed your lessons with me, right?”

“Yeah, of course,” Kaidan said, surprised at the question. “Why would you ask that?”

Shepard shrugged. “I just wondered…I mean, I wouldn’t want to think I was responsible for causing any friction with you and Rahna.”

Kaidan sighed, tucking his chin into the tall collar of his borrowed jacket. “Don’t worry about that, we create enough friction of our own.”

“Yeah,” Shepard said simply, and the fact that he didn’t try to deny it or reassure Kaidan made him realise that his marital problems were obvious to everyone. “You seemed so cute together on your first day with me. I wondered if maybe it was your honeymoon.”

“I guess it kinda was, in a way,” Kaidan said. “Life’s been pretty rough for us lately, this was meant to be a chance to escape all the pressure and reconnect with each other. Turns out that’s not so simple after all.”

“You been married long?” Shepard asked; not pushing, just interested.

“Eight years,” Kaidan said. “Honestly, I think we married too young. I mean, she was my best friend and I loved her so much but…maybe that’s not always enough.”

“I’m sorry,” Shepard said, nudging Kaidan gently with his elbow. “You both seem like good people.”

“Just one of those things, I guess,” Kaidan said, idly scuffing the heel of his boot over the frosted grass. “Nobody’s fault, just…some things aren’t meant to last.”

“Yeah,” Shepard nodded. “I get that. And hey, I’m sorry I asked you about having kids the other day. I didn’t mean to prod you about something so sensitive.”

“It’s fine, you didn’t know,” Kaidan said, glancing over at him. “That’s one of our major problems, actually. We’ve been trying IVF treatment for the past three years, but no luck yet. It’s starting to feel like it’s not meant to be.”

Shepard’s look was sympathetic, but not pitying. “She really wants kids, huh?”

“Actually, it’s mostly me who does,” Kaidan admitted with a chuckle. “And wouldn’t you know, it’s my fault we can’t have them naturally.”

“It’s not your fault,” Shepard said, a hint of sharpness in his voice.

“No, I know…I just meant the conception issues come from me, not Rahna,” Kaidan said, taken aback at Shepard’s tone.

“I know what you meant,” Shepard said evenly. “I just…don’t blame yourself, that’s all.”

“Okay,” Kaidan said, catching his eye. “Thanks.”

Shepard looked away, tilting his face up to the stars. “I always thought I didn’t want the whole married-with-kids thing. My parents’ marriage wasn’t all that happy, and having to keep moving all the time took a toll on Mom…honestly, she hated it. She thought Dad should’ve prioritised us and not his career. But I think he thought he was doing what was best for us – providing for us, giving us a home, being a role model. They stayed together for me and my sister but…it was a shitty way to grow up, like dodging bullets all the time.”

“I’m sorry,” Kaidan said softly, touched that Shepard had opened up to him.

“But the older I get, the more I think I might want that after all,” Shepard said. He smiled, a little sardonic and a little self-aware. “Or maybe I should say I think I might need that.”

Kaidan smiled. “Tell me about your sister.”

“Her name is Jane,” Shepard said, shifting on the bench. “She lives in London so we don’t see each other often, which pretty much sucks.”

“Were you close as kids?” Kaidan asked.

“Yeah,” Shepard said, and his smile turned soft and sincere. “There’s only fourteen months between us so we used to call ourselves the Trouble Twins. We did everything together.”

“Oh yeah?” Kaidan asked, smiling too at the warmth in Shepard’s face.

“Yeah, we were a handful for our mom, that’s for sure,” Shepard said. “It’s like we saw the whole world as one giant challenge to overcome, y’know? See a tree, climb it; see a construction site, explore it; see a river, swim in it. One or the other of us always had a scraped knee or a black eye, it used to drive Mom crazy.” He looked over at Kaidan, his eyes twinkling in the darkness. “How about you, any siblings?”

“Nah, only child,” Kaidan said. “I wasn’t much of a hellraiser either.”

“Let me guess – you were the kid who always had his bookbag stuffed full, always had his homework done on time, always had his hair combed perfectly…”

“If you’re calling me a nerd, Shepard, just say so,” Kaidan said, laughing.

“Alright then, _nerd_ ,” Shepard said, and nudged his arm again.

“Thanks a lot,” Kaidan mock-grumped, hunching his shoulders up towards his ears.

“I’m not saying that’s a bad thing,” Shepard said.

Kaidan looked across at Shepard sitting there in the moonlight, smiling at him with a warmth and affection that he was sure he wasn’t imagining. His head whirled in a way that had nothing to do with the alcohol; it felt so good to be looked at that way and it made his chest burn and his throat go dry and his stomach drop.

And so, without thinking, Kaidan leaned over and kissed him.

It was nothing more than pressing their mouths together, but Shepard didn’t pull away. He settled a hand on Kaidan’s thigh, a gentle pressure, until Kaidan broke the kiss and sat back, gasping.

“I’m so sorry,” Kaidan said, not believing what he’d just done.

“It’s fine, Kaidan,” Shepard said gently. “I liked it. But I don’t think this is what you really want.”

“Yeah. No. You’re right, it’s…” Kaidan trailed off, looking down at the frost-speckled grass. “I mean, I kinda do want it - really a lot, actually, but there’s Rahna, and…shit, I’m such a mess...”

“No more than any of the rest of us.” Shepard squeezed his thigh gently, then stood and offered his hand. “C’mon, it’s getting late.”

Kaidan nodded and let Shepard take his hand to help him to his feet. They gathered up the blanket, binned their water bottles and trudged back to the house in silence. Kaidan found his coat and swapped it for the one he’d borrowed, and when Shepard offered to walk with him back to the hotel he refused.

He was in a daze most of the way, lost in a maelstrom of confusion and regret. When he tiptoed quietly into their hotel room and saw Rahna curled up in bed, snoring softly, he felt sad and guilty and sick and disappointed all at the same time. He undressed and climbed in beside her, wrapping her in his arms, kissing her shoulder as she sleepily nestled against him. He tried to focus on her; her softness in his arms, the scent of her in his nose, the way she fitted so neatly into the curve of his body.

But his dreams that night were only of Shepard.


	5. Chapter 5

Kaidan felt a distinct sense of loss on the plane back to Toronto and it took him by surprise; but once they were home, he and Rahna quickly fell back into their usual routines and the vacation began to feel like a distant dream.

And it seemed like maybe it had worked some magic after all; Rahna began having more good days, fewer gloomy spells, laughing more and worrying less. It felt like a burden lifting from his shoulders, and for the first time in a long time he began to have hope that their marriage stood a chance after all. He found he could rationalise away what had happened with Shepard on that park bench, tell himself that it had meant nothing and was just a result of his confused feelings for Rahna.

Everything was good until one ordinary Thursday lunchtime, sitting in their weekly counselling session, when Dr Chakwas asked her usual, “So, how have things been since our last meeting?”

“I’ve been having an affair,” Rahna blurted out abruptly, twisting her hands in her lap.

“What?” Kaidan asked, his guts lurching, a flush of heat and anger and embarrassment climbing his throat.

Rahna was looking at their therapist, not him. “I’m sorry to bring this up in a session, Dr Chakwas, I just thought it would be helpful to have you here to help us through it.”

Dr Chakwas looked taken aback, a clear change from her usual unruffled calm, but recovered quickly. “I can understand that, Rahna, but I think that this is something - ”

“Who with?” Kaidan interrupted, his voice harsh in his own ears.

Rahna could barely look at him. “Jacob Taylor.”

Kaidan frowned, trying to process the name and how he knew it. Then realisation hit and he asked, “Your snowboard instructor? But…I don’t understand, he lives in Lake Myrtle.”

“Actually, he lives here in the city,” Rahna said. “That week he taught me in January was his last week working up there.”

“If I may interject,” Dr Chakwas said smoothly, “I’m going to step out for a moment and let you talk. Of course I’d be happy to help you work all this through, but I think this conversation is one you need to have privately.”

Kaidan stood and walked to the window, looking out at the summer sun glinting off the glass and chrome of the building opposite until the doctor had gone. He felt sick, angry, hurt, rejected…his head was swimming with it and he didn’t know how to begin processing it all.

“I’m sorry,” Rahna said behind him. She sounded so small and lost that Kaidan felt that familiar protective urge rising up in him, and it made him laugh bitterly.

“Have you been seeing him ever since our vacation?” he asked, turning to face her.

Rahna was still sitting on the plush white sofa, looking down at her hands. “Yes.”

“But it started while we were there, right? While he was your teacher.”

Rahna flushed, but nodded. “Yes.”

Kaidan felt like he was out of step with reality, disjointed and awkward; his throat was dry and he didn’t know what to do with his hands. “Six months,” he said wonderingly. “Six months and you never said. I thought…you’ve been so happy, I thought it was me.” He choked back the tears that swam up out of nowhere. “I thought we were getting better.”

“No, Kaidan, we weren’t,” Rahna said, finally standing. “Our marriage died a long time ago, we were just too cowardly to call it.”

“You really think that?” Kaidan asked, trying not to raise his voice. “Because I was committed to making it work - but I guess if you’d already checked out, that was never going to happen.”

“Don’t you dare try to pin this all on me,” Rahna exclaimed, and he thought incongruously how pretty her eyes were when she was angry. “You haven’t exactly been present these last few years, your work always comes first.”

“That’s not fair and you know it,” Kaidan snapped back. “When they call me in it’s because they have no other option - it’s because a child’s life is at risk.”

“Right, and there are no other paediatricians in the whole of Toronto,” Rahna said sarcastically, spreading her arms. “You just like to play the hero, go charging in to save the day, and our marriage has to always take second place to you feeling important.”

The unfairness of it took Kaidan’s breath away; he could feel himself trembling with it. “You really think that?” he asked, his voice suddenly flat and dull. “That’s really how you feel about me?”

Rahna said nothing, just folded her arms and set her jaw and refused to back down.

“And I guess Jacob gives you all the attention you need, right?” Kaidan asked, his tone heating. “Because God forbid anyone else in the world should have needs other than you.”

“Jacob makes me feel sexy, and beautiful, and wanted,” Rahna bit back. “He takes me to new places and he…he makes me laugh, Kaidan. When was the last time you and I really just laughed together? You’re always so serious…it’s kind of exhausting.”

There were no words for how Kaidan felt, standing there in front of his wife as she tore his heart apart with her bare hands. Part of him knew that she was right, that their marriage had been in trouble for a long time. But for it to end like this was torture; he hadn’t known she had it in her to be so cruel.

“So why are you telling me now?” Kaidan asked, dreading the answer.

Rahna’s lips pressed together in a thin line and she went a little paler. “Because I’m pregnant.”

It was like stepping out into a different dimension where he was oddly calm and numb. He heard himself ask, “And it’s his, right?”

“Yes.” 

Kaidan nodded, already moving toward the door as though his feet were making his decisions for him. “I’m going to go home and pack a bag. You can stay at the house, I’ll go to my mum’s place.”

“Okay,” Rahna said, tilting her chin in acknowledgement. “Thank you.”

Kaidan didn’t respond, shutting the door behind him and ignoring Dr Chakwas when she called his name. He made it all the way back to his car before the pain hit him and the tears began.

*

Summer turned to autumn and Kaidan slowly began to adjust to his new life as a single man. The lawyers began divorce proceedings, Rahna agreed to buy out his share of their home, and he threw himself into work to help deal with his loneliness and anger and grief.

When he told his head of department what had happened with Rahna, Dr Michel made it her mission to help him get back on his feet. She asked around about houses for sale and let him know about a great one in Lawrence Park North the same day it went on the market. It was a pleasant three-bed home in a lively neighbourhood, and Kaidan made an offer standing right there in the light-filled kitchen; the realtor was an old friend of Dr Michel’s so the sale was agreed that day and went through quickly. 

By the time December came Kaidan was settled into his new home, his new routines. He missed Rahna every day, his heart aching with it, but he knew that what he really missed was being married, having someone to live for; he realised that he was grieving for a person who’d never really existed.

One day at work, as they stood at the nurses’ station filling out paperwork, his friend Liara asked, “What are you doing for the holidays?”

“I hadn’t really thought about it,” Kaidan said, glancing up at her. “My mom usually does a big dinner on Christmas Day for us and my aunts and uncle, but…other than that, I have no idea.”

“I’m having a party on Christmas Eve, I’d love you to come,” Liara said.

Kaidan smiled. “Thanks. I’ll try to drop by.”

Liara smiled, but rolled her eyes. “We both know that’s your polite way of saying no without actually saying no,” she said. 

“It is not!” Kaidan protested; when she raised one eyebrow and tilted her head, he said, “Well, maybe. I’ll see how I’m feeling. I’m just…I’m still not feeling sociable very often, I guess.”

“I understand,” Liara said, laying a gentle hand on his arm. “And I know that the holidays can be a difficult time when you’re not used to being on your own.”

“Yeah, I’m kinda dreading it,” Kaidan said, dropping his patient notes into the To Be Filed tray and starting the walk back to his office with Liara keeping pace. “I keep seeing gifts when I’m out shopping and thinking, ‘Rahna would like that’, then remembering I don’t need to buy her anything this year.”

“I’m so sorry,” Liara said, hovering in his office doorway as he walked in and headed for his desk. “Maybe you should go away for a few days?”

“I don’t know,” Kaidan said, though his heart lifted just at the idea of it. “I don’t want to disappoint Mom, she always misses Dad at this time of year.”

“But she’ll have her sisters there with her, won’t she? And you know she wouldn’t want you to stay here just for her if it would make you unhappy.”

“Maybe,” Kaidan said. “I’ll think about it.”

And he did, all afternoon and all evening. The next day, standing at the sink in his mum’s kitchen as he washed the lunch dishes, he glanced over to her and said, “Hey, Mum… I was thinking I might get away for a few days over Christmas.”

“Oh really?” she replied, taking down two mugs from the cupboard. “I thought you liked to be at home for Christmas.”

“Yeah, I do, it’s just…” He tailed off, not exactly sure what to say next without hurting her feelings.

But then she put down the coffee jug she’d just picked up and turned to him, her eyes wide, and said, “Oh, Kaidan – I wasn’t thinking. This will be your first Christmas since…”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said, looking down at the suds clinging to the dark hairs on his forearms. “It’ll be hard being here, I think, but…I don’t want to disappoint you, either.”

“Kaidan Artem Alenko, you listen to me,” his mum said, walking over to cup his cheek in one hand. “You have never disappointed me, and you never will. If getting away is what you need, then do it.”

“Thanks, Mum,” Kaidan said, his throat closing around the words. “For everything…all your support…”

Uncaring of the suds and water on his hands, Kaidan’s mum turned him to face her and wrapped him in a tight, healing embrace. “You’re my whole world, Kaidan,” she said against his shoulder. “I want you to be happy again more than anything, whatever that takes.” She stepped back and smiled, holding his soapy hands, tears spilling over. “But you do realise that there’ll be a mountain of cold turkey sandwiches for you to eat when you get back, don’t you?”

Kaidan laughed. “That’s fair. With cranberry stuffing though, right?”

His mum smiled. “Anything you want, love.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

Kaidan couldn’t believe how nervous he felt as he stood there waiting, his helmet hanging from the skis propped in the snow beside him. He watched the snowflakes drifting gently down from the steely sky, trying to distract himself from the rolling of his stomach, the thudding of his heart. Being here had been a last-minute decision, booked just the day before, and he felt like he still hadn’t quite caught up with himself.

The ski school door opened and a tall, familiar figure emerged. He wasn’t wearing his helmet or shades, and his blue eyes fastened on Kaidan as a smile spread over his face.

“It’s you,” Shepard said, a short, delighted laugh breaking free as he walked towards him.

“It’s me,” Kaidan agreed. His pulse raced just from looking at Shepard, so much more handsome than he’d remembered.

Shepard stopped a couple of paces away from him. “Garrus wouldn’t tell me why he’d pulled me from group lessons until just now,” he said; his hand twitched at his side as though he wanted to reach for Kaidan.

“I only booked yesterday; I asked for you specifically,” Kaidan said with a shy grin. “I was pretty insistent.”

Shepard smiled. “And you’re…uh, you’re here alone?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said, lifting his chin. “Rahna and I…it didn’t work out.”

“I’m sorry,” Shepard murmured, “really.”

“Thanks,” Kaidan said, then summoned his nerve and asked, “But also a little bit glad, I hope?”

By way of an answer Shepard stepped forward, put his hand on Kaidan’s jaw and kissed him.

Shepard’s lips were chapped and his stubble scratched Kaidan’s skin; it was everything Kaidan had wanted. When their tongues touched, just a quick slide of heat and wetness, he actually groaned out loud; Kaidan pulled away and laughed hoarsely, a little embarrassed at his reaction.

Shepard smiled and took a step back. “Sorry – I mean, you’ve paid for lessons so…we should do that.” He smiled. “We have all the time in the world.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. “I guess we do. Actually, I was wondering if after this you might want to come and have lunch with me in my lodge.”

“You hired a whole lodge?” Shepard asked, eyebrows rising. “Just for you?”

“Well…I was kinda hoping it wouldn’t _just_ be for me,” Kaidan said, surprised at how nervous he felt. “If you’d like to spend some time with me this week, that is. Oh, but…you might have family you want to see for Christmas and…shit, I didn’t think this through at all,” he said, flustered, laughing at himself a little. “This is why I don’t do things last minute, I seem to have a talent for screwing things up…”

“Hey, stop,” Shepard said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “My plan for Christmas Day was to sit around in my underwear watching old movies on TV and eating ice cream right out of the tub. That sounds to me like something we could do together – and those lodges have wood-burning stoves, right?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan smiled, his nerves melting away. “It’s all decorated for the holidays too – there’s even a real tree in the lounge.”

“Perfect,” Shepard said. “Though I think I’ll have other things on my mind than admiring the baubles.”

Kaidan laughed again; being with Shepard made his heart feel lighter, somehow, and he couldn’t get enough of the feeling. “I almost can’t believe I’m really here,” he said. “It’s not like me to be so spontaneous. I don’t do things on the fly; I plan and prepare, make sure everything’s lined up. Rahna used to say it sucked the joy out of life, but…I just feel like I can enjoy myself more when I’m prepared, y’know?”

“Yeah, I get that,” Shepard said.

Kaidan smiled. “Thanks. It’s kind of you to humour me.”

Shepard laughed. “Not what I’m doing.” He paused then said carefully, “I’m glad you decided to be spontaneous this once, though. I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Kaidan said, his heart ready to rise up out of his throat. “That’s why I’m here.”

Shepard grinned, nodding towards the chair lift. “C’mon then, let’s go – I want to see how rusty you’ve gotten.”

“I can keep up with anything you’ve got in store for me,” Kaidan said.

Shepard’s laugh was deep and full. “I’m going to enjoy testing that theory.”

* * *

The knock at the door made Kaidan’s heart leap; he took one last glance in the bathroom mirror, pushing back his still-wet hair from his forehead before going to answer it.

Shepard was standing on the doorstep, a holdall slung over one shoulder. “Hey,” he said, grinning. “I heard you’re looking for a roommate?”

Kaidan laughed and stepped back to let him in. Shepard dumped his bag and hung up his coat before following Kaidan into the main living room of the lodge. It was tastefully decorated in creams and deep reds, with solid oak furniture and huge leather couches arranged around a wood burner at one end. There was a Christmas tree in the corner, decked out in red and gold, and fairy lights festooned around the mantle.

Shepard whistled. “Wow, this place is pretty fancy.”

“You’ve never been in the lodges before?” Kaidan asked.

“Nope, I’m just the hired help,” Shepard said, glancing towards the full-length windows which showed a view of nothing but snow, trees and mountains.

“In that case, I’m glad to be giving you a new experience,” Kaidan said, smiling.

“More than one over the course of the week, I hope,” Shepard said, waggling his eyebrows.

Kaidan laughed, heat gathering low in his belly just at the thought of it. “So, um…I’m really happy you want to stay with me this week but I don’t want you to get in any trouble, I don’t know what the rules are about fraternizing with guests…”

Shepard’s smile was slow and inviting. “There aren’t any clear rules, and I’m pretty sure Garrus knows there’s something up after you kicked his ass to swap my lessons this week. Looks like you’re stuck with me.”

Kaidan looked him up and down, taking in the faded jeans that sat loosely on his hips and the white t-shirt that clung to every curve of his body. “It really must be Christmas.”

Shepard was just reaching for him when another knock at the door interrupted them. “Expecting company?” he asked, raising one eyebrow.

Kaidan smiled. “I booked the fully catered package this week, so that’ll be our two-course lunch.”

“A meal for two pre-ordered?” Shepard asked. “Somebody was pretty sure of themselves.”

“Somebody remembers they weren’t the only one who was getting into that kiss on the bench,” Kaidan said, looking at Shepard’s mouth.

Shepard smiled, then briefly touched his fingertips to Kaidan’s jaw. “Good point,” he said.

Lunch was delivered by a smiling redhead who gave Shepard a wink of approval before she left, much to Kaidan’s embarrassment. They took the plates over to the coffee table by the fire, settling onto one of the couches while Kaidan poured some wine.

They ate in silence for a while, content to enjoy the food and listen to the pop and crackle of the fire. Eventually Shepard said, “I’m really happy you did this, Kaidan. I’ve thought about you a lot over the past year.”

“Oh yeah?” Kaidan asked, smiling. “Of course. When you left here in January…I thought that was it, that you were out of my life. I…uh…shit, I don’t know how to say this…” Shepard said, chuckling.

“It’s fine, take your time,” Kaidan said softly.

Shepard looked at him so intently, Kaidan could almost feel the weight of it on his skin. “I thought I’d never see you again, and it took me by surprise how much that hurt me. I mean, I wouldn’t wish a marriage breakdown on anyone, but…I couldn’t bear thinking about you and Rahna being together either.”

“Really?” Kaidan asked, his breath juddering in his chest.

“Yeah, really,” Shepard said. “And, uh…I don’t want to be insensitive here, but the worst part was that she didn’t even seem to appreciate what she had.” He set down his plate on the coffee table, turning towards Kaidan. “I used to think about all the things she got to do and just took for granted. Like…she got to wake up next to you every day, reach out and touch you any time she felt like it…she could listen to your stories and make you laugh, eat with you and get drunk with you…take you to bed any time she wanted…To be honest, I was pretty much sick with envy - Garrus was convinced I had some kind of virus, I was so mopey.”

“That’s… I don’t know what to say,” Kaidan said, his chest full and his throat tight. “I’ve thought about you, too. About skiing with you and talking with you, and how you made me laugh…about the moonlight reflecting in your eyes and what your lips tasted like…but I was nervous about coming back too.”

“Why?”

“In case I’d misunderstood something, or blown it out of proportion in my head,” Kaidan said. “And there was always the chance you’d have somebody in your life, now. A guy like you can’t be short of offers.”

Shepard nodded. “I have been on a few dates, yeah. But every one of them shared the same fatal flaw.” He paused, caught Kaidan’s eye. “None of them was you.”

Kaidan’s breath hitched on a relieved laugh. “That’s great to hear…I was kinda terrified that you’d laugh at me, tell me you didn’t want to see me.”

Shepard smiled and took Kaidan’s plate, setting it on the coffee table. “In that case, I think you need a reward for being so brave.”

Kaidan took a nervy, reflexive breath when Shepard leaned closer and one of his strong hands slid around Kaidan’s neck. Shepard’s lips were softer than before and he smelled like wine and cologne and fresh air.

Kaidan opened his mouth for Shepard, shuffling closer until there was barely any space between them. Shepard’s lips and hands and tongue were making Kaidan feel dizzy, like he was falling and floating all at the same time. His kiss was deep and focused; his hands moved over Kaidan’s body, exploring but not aggressive. Kaidan felt so wanted, so desired, and it was like something shifted in his heart – a jagged edge smoothing over, a neglected ember blazing to life.

Shepard’s hand on his thigh moved higher, coming to rest with his thumb just brushing the growing bulge in Kaidan’s sweats. Kaidan gasped against Shepard’s mouth, embarrassed when he jumped involuntarily. He broke the kiss, resting his forehead against Shepard’s and willing his heart to slow down.

“You okay?” Shepard asked, his other hand coming up to card through Kaidan’s hair gently.

“Yeah…of course…” Kaidan said, lifting his face to Shepard. “I just…there’s only been Rahna for so long and…it’s been months since I was even with her…I guess it’s a little overwhelming, that’s all. But I want it, so much.” He gripped Shepard’s hand on his thigh, tugging it across to rest on his hardening groin. “I just need you to be patient with me.”

“Like I said, we have all the time in the world,” Shepard said. The hand in Kaidan’s hair moved to his jaw, tilting his head so Shepard could kiss his neck. “I want to take my time with you, Kaidan. I want to explore you, to learn your body…I want to figure out everything that makes you feel good.” His other hand palmed Kaidan’s cock with a firm pressure, squeezing and circling, and Kaidan bucked up against it.

Kaidan relaxed under Shepard’s attention; it was like waking up after a long sleep, his body coming alive wherever those strong hands touched it. Shepard kissed his lips, his throat, his cheeks; his fingers grasped his chest, his cock, but never tried to get under his clothes. And then, suddenly, it wasn’t enough.

In a surge of lust and instinct, Kaidan climbed onto Shepard’s lap and kissed him hard, grinding down. Shepard groaned his approval, his hands finding Kaidan’s ass and pulling him down more snugly. Kaidan’s hands crept down Shepard’s stomach to reach beneath the hem of his t-shirt, and Shepard sat up just enough to tug it off and throw it. He responded in kind, yanking at Kaidan’s sweater until it was falling to the floor behind him. Shepard looked Kaidan over, his hands following the path his eyes traced.

“So gorgeous, Kaidan,” he murmured, and Kaidan’s face flamed. Shepard scratched his nails through the dark hairs on Kaidan’s chest, following them down to his waistband, while he buried his face against Kaidan’s neck and kissed every inch he could reach. Kaidan cradled Shepard’s head as he pressed his ass down against the hard length beneath him, and the hot puffs of air on his throat as Shepard moaned were like flames licking against his sensitive skin.

Shepard raised his head. “Wanna show me your bedroom?” he asked hoarsely.

“No,” Kaidan said. “I like it here. Besides, we have everything we need…” He leaned sideways and searched behind the throw pillows, drawing out the lube and condoms he’d left there earlier in hopeful expectation.

Shepard laughed. “I’m impressed... But if you haven’t been with a guy for a while, I don’t want to rush anything.”

“Thank you,” Kaidan said, holding Shepard’s face in both hands and kissing him. “I just want to have everything ready, just in case.”

Shepard nodded then kissed him again, one hand sneaking under Kaidan’s waistband to grasp his cock firmly. Kaidan gasped and shuddered, the heat and pressure exactly what he wanted.

Shepard gently moved them so that Kaidan was lying back on the enormous sofa, then sat back to tug his sweats and briefs off. Kaidan watched, breathless with anticipation, as Shepard stood and stepped out of his own jeans and briefs; the firelight flickered over every ridge and angle, muscles flexing under smooth skin. A rush ran through Kaidan at the thought that the perfect body before him was his to explore, and his leaking cock jerked against his stomach.

Shepard picked up the lube and knelt on the sofa, spreading Kaidan’s legs so he could move between them. He looked at Kaidan’s body as he slicked his fingers, and Kaidan shivered under the attention. Then he braced his clean hand by Kaidan’s head and leaned down to kiss him, his tongue sliding with aching slowness inside Kaidan’s mouth.

When he felt fingers probing his ass, Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut and held onto Shepard around his ribs.

“Relax,” Shepard said, kissing his temple and then his jaw, moving down to outline a nipple with his tongue before biting gently. His fingers were moving the whole time, circling Kaidan’s hole and adding a little pressure but not forcing anything. His mouth moved down Kaidan’s stomach, licking and nibbling, until Kaidan’s cock nudged the underside of his jaw. Without pausing, Shepard ran his tongue around the wet head and then sucked just the tip into his mouth.

Kaidan groaned and tried not to buck upwards, one arm coming to rest over his eyes as he fought for control. He felt Shepard’s tongue swirl around his length, a series of open-mouthed kisses that had him panting for air. Then those full lips made a seal around his cock and he felt a steady, even suction moving down, taking him in, wet and warm and almost too much. At the same time a finger breached his hole, pushing in enough that it burned a little, and this time Kaidan couldn’t stop his hips from lifting.

Shepard made a choking, gasping sound and moved off to catch his breath as Kaidan panted, “Sorry shit, I didn’t mean…”

“Shh,” Shepard interrupted. “No problem.” Then the heat and suction were back, and the finger was sliding deeper, and Kaidan felt himself rising up on a wave of pleasure and disbelief; it was too good, so much better than his fantasies, and he didn’t want the wave to ever break.

But then a second finger joined the first and he felt his tip nudge the back of Shepard’s throat, and his heart leapt as his gut began to tighten. The slide and burn of Shepard’s fingers found a rhythm to match his mouth, and Kaidan melted into the sensations. Sweat formed along his hairline and his chest heaved and ached with every rapid breath; he groped blindly with his free hand to touch Shepard’s head, hoping to ground himself, use Shepard as his anchor. But the bristly warmth of the scalp under Kaidan’s hand reminded him exactly whose mouth was on his cock, whose fingers were pumping inside him, and a strangled yelp burst out before he could stop it. “Shepard…I’m… _fuck_ , I’m so…”

Shepard responded by crooking his fingers and swallowing around Kaidan’s tip, sending him spiralling into space in a rush of euphoria and pleasure. He was aware of Shepard’s fingers withdrawing as his mouth sucked and swallowed, but it seemed like forever before Kaidan came back to himself.

Shepard was looking down at him, intense and focused, and Kaidan realised with a guilty jolt that he was jerking himself off as he knelt between Kaidan’s legs.

“Fuck, I should have…” Kaidan trailed off, reaching for Shepard’s cock.

“It’s fine,” Shepard gasped, his brow creasing as he got closer to completion. “I wanted this to be for you.”

Love and affection and joy roared up in Kaidan’s chest, and he sat up to kiss Shepard with everything he had. He grabbed Shepard’s ass in one hand, allowing his fingers to nudge between his cheeks, and pinched one of Shepard’s nipples with the other. A long, low groan fell from Shepard’s lips and then Kaidan felt a splash on his stomach, another on his thigh, as Shepard spilled between them in quick, desperate pulses.

Shepard rested his head against Kaidan’s shoulder, one hand braced on his thigh. “Well, fuck me,” he said against Kaidan’s skin, then laughed.

Kaidan laughed too, the elation and happiness spilling out of him uncontrollably. “That was amazing,” he said. “I don’t even have the words…”

“It’s okay, I got the picture,” Shepard said, lifting his head and grinning. “And yeah, it was.”

Shepard leaned in for a lazy, languid kiss and Kaidan melted into it, letting all of the stress and anxiety of his everyday life fade away. He wasn’t thinking about Rahna or the divorce or the stresses of work; his whole focus was on Shepard and the dawning realisation that he was already hopelessly in love.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks go to my amazing co-creator FallingOverSideways, who stepped in at the eleventh hour and created some utterly gorgeous and amazing artwork. Thank you, my lovely!


End file.
